Cynthia (csakuras) wrote,
Cynthia
csakuras

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Some thoughts

I know I'm not stupid. I am talented in a few things. I'm a decent writer. I'm fairly fluent in Japanese, most of it self-taught. I have a healthy imagination. So maybe my problem is that I'm not putting ANY of those things to use in college right now.

I know my faults. I am lazy, apathetic, a constant procrastinator, and have trouble finding motivation to do things I don't care for. This is why I'm failing at college.

On the other hand, I find that the things I do care for and put a lot of effort into are all creative things. Things that have nothing to do with my current curriculum. Why aren't I studying Japanese? Why aren't I writing? Why can't I just combine those two talents and do something useful with them?

This thought was inspired by me attempting to translate my own fanfic into Japanese last night and realizing that, with practice and more study, I could probably be a decent writer in that language too. And goddamn, was it FUN. Now I want to translate my own novel into Japanese so I could show it to my relatives. This is something I could feel motivated for.

I've been doing things all wrong. I should have gone to George Mason instead. I should have majored in Japanese. I could have been working my way into becoming a bilingual writer instead of wallowing in self-hate like I am now. Why did I have to realize this SO LATE?

EDIT: Answer to my own question- because when I got out of high school, my Japanese wasn't quite as good as it is now, and I wouldn't have had the confidence to even consider this route. I could only have realized it after these past few years of studying it on my own. GODDAMMIT. At least I know that time wasn't a total waste.

EDIT 2: I know, there are tons of things in life I don't care for that I have to do. But my question is, why do I have to do these things if they're not taking me anywhere that I want to go? I know I have to have a way to support myself and that it's not guaranteed that my writing will ever be successful, but if I'm not working towards the things I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE then what's the point of living at all? Life is short. I want to make use of it.

EDIT 3: tl;dr- I SHOULD HAVE MAJORED IN JAPANESE. People ask me what I plan to do with a Sociology major. I answer that I have no idea. At least with Japanese I'd be able to say something!!
Tags: college, life-slap, real life, writing
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  • In which I squee over souvenirs

    Mom's back from Japan! And I was able to drive her to the airport and pick her up by myself without any problems! It's my first time doing that, so…

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