Cynthia (csakuras) wrote,
Cynthia
csakuras

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Self-Observation

So I finally withdrew from Statistics today, after much wandering about the campus, asking around, going to the wrong places, and embarrassing myself. I also scheduled an appointment with my academic advisor on Thursday.
While walking from place to place, I found myself realizing that many of my avoidant behaviors from high school still haven't gone away. And though mom is often telling me not to do this, not to do that, it always makes a bigger impact when you realize it yourself.
For example, in the past couple of days I've returned to my old nervous habit of tearing off the skin from the inside of my cheek with my teeth and eating it (what would you call that, btw? Cannibalizing on oneself?). Also, whenever I'm walking in public I facing downwards toward the ground, because I want to avoid looking anybody in the eye. Because of that, sometimes someone would call to me, "Hey Cynthia!", and I would look behind to just barely catch that someone's face, but it would be too late to greet them back. Besides, most of the time I can't even remember who that person is...
And I have trouble walking slow. I've managed to become a fast-walker in the past months, and I become incredibly impatient whenever there's a group of people in front of me just taking their time. I usually try finding a way around them and speeding past without a word, unless it's in a way that would require an "excuse me."
(Man....no wonder I haven't made any friends.)

And it's also occurred to me that not only do I get pressure from the classes I'm bad at, but from the classes I take pride in as well, because I become such a damn perfectionist. Like with my Creative Writing class in my Sophomore year of high school; at one point I didn't turn in an assignment until a week after the due date, because I just couldn't get it to be the way I wanted. Now I'm experiencing the same thing with my History course...I have about an hour left before class and I still don't know what to do with my History paper. It's driving me nuts. I guess the best option for me right now is to study for the quiz, because I can't afford to get less than a 100 on anymore quizzes, and maybe I can explain my position to the Professor after class....

EDIT: I fear for my fandom. And I, for one, would be very interested if I found a book on alchemy...
Tags: fandom, i am a social retard kthx
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